Stevieslaw: Betting with Benny
At Stevieslaw, we were surprised today to get a call from Jamie Dimon, CEO of JPMorgan Chase. They are trying to replace Ina Drew in their major investments department and Bennie Williams, aka Bennie the Book’s name came up. When I was growing up in the Brownsville-East New York section of Brooklyn (“a great place to be from,” crows the local paper) Bennie made a modest living running the craps game in the local schoolyard. He would also take your bets on the ponies or on the major sports.
“An excellent choice,” I told Jamie, “he has my wholehearted recommendation.” “After all,” I told him, “With Bennie you always knew what you were getting—be it the Knicks and 4 or Our Twig in the 4th at Roosevelt.” “Compare that with derivatives, J (his little known nickname),” I continued. “Even the financial editor of the New York Times doesn’t understand your recent investments in derivatives.” “He can only describe them, again and again, as a complex financial transaction.”
Unfortunately, I couldn’t help Jamie track down my old friend. We lost touch in 1967, when he got shipped to Vietnam and I went off, with guilt and gratitude, to graduate school. It was a time when even poor kids with great math and science skills could catch a break in this country.

The NYTimes reported today in its magazine on the publication by Edward Conard of Bain Capital(former home of Mitt Romney) of “Unintended Consequences: Why Everything You’ve Been Told About the Economy Is Wrong,” to be published in hardcover next month by Portfolio. The book, he hopes, will change the way we think of the superrich forever. He argues that income inequality is a good thing—the driver of innovation, industry, and the small pittance you may be lucky enough to get as a salary. The article, however, is incomplete. In fact, we, at Stevieslaw, find that more and more the NYT leaves out the essential ingredients—the hooks—of their stories. Sadly, they’ve done it here—even though the piece ran some seven columns, more space than the Times has dedicated to Noble Prize winners in Physics, since 1959.

The deal is that Eddie, who wants nothing more then to get his message out, will loan you the money to buy his book! And considering what a boon this book will be to your pitiful existence, the daily interest rate of 33% is more than reasonable. Contact him at iwantitall.com. Be sure to have the birth certificate of your first born son handy when you write.

Justin Gillis reports in the New York Times this morning that climate change dissenters have latched on to the work of Richard S. Lindzen, a Meterology Professor at MIT. Dr. Lindzen’s research supports the theory that the change in cloud formation, as a result of CO2 accumulation in the atmosphere, will act to reduce the temperature of the earth—a counterbalancing affect. While nearly all climate scientists disagree with Dr.

Stevieslaw: Your Cheney heart…*
Barely a month and a half after receiving a heart transplant, Dick Cheney was on the stage at the Wyoming Republican Party state convention on Saturday for what some might term his “state of the union” speech. In it he described President Obama as a fair and thoughtful man who is trying to do his best for the country in the face a host of difficult problems and pressures. He warned about the potential for war in Iran or Syria and the need for reasoned and open discussion before committing our nation to war ever again.
Cheney went on to argue that subsidies to oil companies should end immediately and warned about “rushing into” the Keystone pipeline project before serious environmental concerns were thoroughly addressed. Finally, he took President Obama to task for his failure to push for a more extensive health care law—using, for example, the Medicare model—for all Americans. Cheney cited his own health problems, stating at one point, “Americans with heart problems or other physical or mental ailments should not have to worry about how their treatment will be paid for.

Stevieslaw: Rethinking the Civil War
We just got the revealing news that Rick Santorum has won the Mississippi and Alabama Republican primaries, and if that doesn’t fulfill some biblical prophecy, it should, and we will need a rewrite. Most of the voters in these two “deep south” states identify themselves as evangelicals or born again Christians. Amazingly, their vote hinged on the contestants answer to a single debate question—or more accurately a single debate challenge. The four contestants were asked to use the words “pre-natal, contraception, woman, and unclean” in a sentence. ImmacuRick won hands down, sounding as some of our exit poll voters exclaimed, “Like the good lord himself.”
The results got Smokey Diamond and me talking about the Civil War Cousin Myron, the fiery red-headed math whizz, has from early childhood said “that dope,” whenever President Lincoln’s name was mentioned. He believes strongly that Abe over reacted with the Civil War and all, and a simple Hallmark greeting card saying something like:
Dear Jeff,
We are so sorry to see you go— best of luck with your new country. Perhaps, Mary and I could have you and Varina to tea sometime soon.

David Lightman, of McClatchy Newspapers, reports today on Mitt Romney’s just announced economic plan to increase the Federal deficit by trillions over the next decade. Romney’s plan, much like the plans of Santorum and Gingrich, would increase the Federal deficit by cutting the heart out of each and every entitlement program aimed at helping people who can not qualify for employment with firms like Bain Capital. A list of the deadbeats to be defunded includes the old, the young, the infirm, the still healthy, veterans, women, and those who are “barely citizens.”
Self-acclaimed Tea Party spokesman, just-plain-Joe, welcomed the plan, saying, “Although it does not decrease the deficit—which was always a smokescreen, it will make sure that “they” will not be getting a single dollar of my hard earned money. Republicans were also jubilant. A spokesperson for Eric “the knife” Kantor praised the effort by Romney, Santorum and Gingrich to increase the deficit and defund the masses without the need for an unfunded war in a country no one can find on a map. “Their reasoning is breathtaking,” he stammered.
The only candidate proposing a plan to actually reduce the deficit, aside from President Obama, was Ron Paul.

House Republicans asked Barack Obama today to explain his plan for reducing the U.S. nuclear arsenal. The President had first announced the plan in 2009. Smokey Diamond, our intrepid reporter was down like a shot to interview the House Republican Spokesperson, Donas K. Meey. Donas said, “This is consistent with this President’s attempts to cut military spending and put America in a vulnerable position in a dangerous world.” “What about the Iranians?” she stammered angrily.
Smokey pointed out that a 2009 study had estimated that with the current size of the U.S. arsenal, we could afford to detonate roughly 11 H-bombs over each of the 200 largest cities on the planet. “Short-sighted,” countered Donnas. “Suppose we do follow through on the Gingrich plan to build a civilization on the moon,” What’s the point of building cities there if we don’t have the ability to destroy them as well? Suppose they are captured by the Chinese, the Iranians or for that matter by crazed feminists.” “A President needs to think ahead,” she said sagely, “and we will need more weapons for the moon, Mars and beyond.” “We must be able to protect our space bases, after the Russians ferry us up to them.”

Stevieslaw: Bad Robot
Obama campaign spokesperson, Dr. T. Ickes, offered a suggestion for all of the President’s supporters. Smokey managed a grin when she heard about it, for as she said, “it took me back to all those hours I spent watching the TV show Lost.” Perhaps you remember the show as well, but Dr. Ickes was most interested in what happened at the end of the show. “The production company had a little robot come rolling out to the announcement—bad robot.” “We are suggesting that all Obama supporters say, when faced with a Romney commercial, a Romney speech, or even a stray thought about Romney, “bad robot” loudly and clearly. Imagine 10 people on a bus or train or in the lobby of a theatre, uttering—nearly simultaneously—“bad robot” with obvious reference to the Republican candidate. “With luck, said the good doctor, we can have the whole country laughing at even the thought of Romney by Election Day.”
Bad robot.

The nation section of our local, the Centre Daily Times, picked up an article out of Washington today declaring that the White House has no evidence that extraterrestrials exist. Apparently, the White House has a feature on its website that allows people to submit petitions that they must answer. In response to questions about extraterrestrials, Phil Larson of the White House Office of Science and Technology Policy said that the White House has no evidence that life exists outside the earth, or that any member of the human race has ever been contacted by ET.
No matter how you come down on the issue, it is quite clear that no one at the White House, from the ground floor up, has been listening to the Republican Presidential Debates or reading the Republican candidates statements in the News. Clearly, they are sadly unprepared for the reelection campaign.

Hope Yen, writing for AP, reported today that the “wealth” gap between the old and the young is increasing. Smokey Diamond, our intrepid reporter, was startled—and trust me when I say that the one thing you don’t want to do is startle Smokey Diamond.
“Do you mean to say,” he queried “that people who have worked all their lives, have paid for a house, and subsist mostly on Social Security are wealthier than young people that are just starting out, have an underwater mortgage, and are having difficulty in finding jobs because there aren’t any.” “Astonishing,” he murmured. “And, he noted, “it is a nice touch having the headline for the article call it a “wealth gap,” when the difference is between people living on social security on those living on nothing.
Smokey reports that the Republican caucus on the Hill was positively gleeful over the study results.” Their spokesperson, Rip Cutcaus, took time out from his busy schedule of explaining the Republican strategy in blocking job bills and denying a continuation of Federal Unemployment benefits to tell Smokey, “This is the death knell for entitlement programs such as Social Security, Medicare and Medicaid.” “We have catered to the old for too long and the result is this huge discrepancy in wealth.” “Moreover, this is a problem Republicans can solve,” continued Rip.

Stevieslaw: Reworking “My Cousin Vinnie.**”
At Stevieslaw, we are shopping an idea for a “Cousin Vinny” remake—be sure to tell your many Hollywood director/producer friends. In our rewrite, a Joe Pesci look alike and a Ralph Macchio look alike have a hell of a good time in a small town in Mississippi. Too good a time. Under the new Mississippi law, they are charged with murder by birth control. The young and ambitious district attorney seeks the death penalty, as a headline grabber. They are saved in the end by the Marisa Tomei character—a wise cracking, New York accented young woman, with a truly encyclopedic understanding of birth control methods.
Tell me you wouldn’t go see this movie twice.

**Voting on Conception as Legal Start of Life
By ERIK ECKHOLM –NY Times 10/26/11