We, in Pennsylvania, haven’t heard much from super-candidate Rick Santorum lately. And here at Stevieslaw, we’ve yet to meet anyone who claims to miss him. Every six months or so, the national media reports on a statement or two from the Taliban that commends Santorum on his women’s rights policies, but other than that we’ve had nothing.
Now the Daily Beast reports Santorum told conservative radio host, Hugh Hewitt, that Santorum’s former colleague John McCain does not understand enhanced interrogation. This is a bit strange as McCain is a decorated war hero and prisoner of war who survived “enhanced interrogation” from the N. Vietnamese, while Santorum’s total military service is just his promise that he will “never, never try to entertain the troops.”
Smokey Diamond, our intrepid reporter, has chased down the rest of the story. It turns out that Rick has been secretly working with the CIA over the past few years to help develop an enhanced interrogation technique that won’t be deemed torture by the liberal media. The idea for the technique arose from a reading of “Infinity Jest,” authored by David Foster Wallace, in which a “movie” is so entertaining that people can only stop watching it by dying. Now Smokey has learned that Santorum has recorded a 47 hour video in which he preaches his take on “family values.” The tape can be easily looped and has been played continuously at Guantanamo for the last two years. The guards, who patrol blindfolded with their ears sealed with wax, report that the prisoners have been giving up information at an astounding rate.
Santorum will claim that it was his tape—as an enhanced interrogation technique—that led to the information that got Bin Laden. Anyone who has heard Rick speak on any subject will be forced to agree that his “I got Bin Laden” claim has legs and may well enhance his chances for the presidency. Smokey reports that, vote for Rick or we will make you watch the tape, posters have already been printed.