Our own intrepid reporter, Smokey Diamond, has uncovered plans by the Republican National Committee to frame their 2012 primary race in terms of the popular TV show “Lost.” The Reality-like show will air on Fox News more or less 24 hours a day. Smokey has learned that the RNC has already contracted with the “Lost” Island for the year long show. The Island has, reportedly, been looking for work for several years now. The show is, tentatively, to be called “Lost Too,” in deference to the earlier TV show and—adds Smokey—“to the probable tenor of the Republican debate.”
The RNC is not concerned that much of the public is unfamiliar with the plot of the original show. They feel that the plot can be as easily explained as say Michelle Bachmann’s economic plan for American prosperity. For the purpose of this article, Smokey provides the following basic outline of the original show. A cast of dozens survives the crash of a jetliner (submarine, sailboat, or galleon) on an evil/heavenly magical island. Some bad/good people, who were either Native Born, or came to the Island with their pregnant, illegal immigrant mothers, are already there. The crash occurs again and again. The cast, an interchangable collection of the good, the bad, and the ugly, face hardships, not the least of which is the plot. There is deceit and danger—also, danger and deceit. Things blow up. Many of the cast die. Some die again and again, as death does or doesn’t matter and the characters live on in LA or on the Island in the past, present and future, simultaneously. There is even an evil/good billionaire, whose role on the show is never really defined. Got it so far? While on the island, they must deal with a terrible evil, which is represented by Black smOke (get it, oh I hope so). In short, the show is both good TV and a good representation of what the Republican debate will seem like. The Republican hopefuls will assume the characters of their choice from the original show. Multiple identities for the characters are clearly not a problem—reread the plot summary if you think it might matter. And remember, the casting is not meant to be factually accurate.
The smart money is betting that the candidates will go along with this plan for a host of reasons. There is the promise of continuous coverage on Fox News. A starring role on the show is a way for each of the Republican hopefuls to paint a portrait of someone able to overcome impossible challenges—a role they wish to inflict on the old, the poor and the infirm—in a carefully controlled environment. Anyone who has seen the show knows that the personalities and opinions of the characters can change from minute to minute—a huge selling point for the primaries. The candidates will be comfortable in their roles, as the Republican candidates already live on a magical island, where things will and have happened because they want them to. An extra special attraction will be the license to say really, really, crazy crap, with the understanding that it will be interpreted as a plot complication. Some few problems remain. One, is the question of who will play the foreign born characters? Hopefully, some candidates will reason that if the foreign born Barack Obama could be made President, why not other foreign born characters? Another problem is Donald Trump, who will undoubtedly wish to buy his own island.
Our RNC insider further confided to Smokey that one relatively minor candidate did not pass an initial screen test. Former Senator Rick Santorum will not be allowed to travel to the island. Rick was recently featured in a Time magazine article that identified the three most boring people on the planet. “Santorum, as I needn’t remind people in Pennsylvania,” said our source, “can bore a normal human being to death by uttering even a single declarative sentence.” “He is just bad TV,” she said.
Later:
Smokey was able to reach spokesperson, Don Dither, at the DNC for his thoughts on the primary reality show. Dither said, “Off hand, I don’t think the idea will get traction.” When pressed, Don replied, “The Democrats will form, over the next few days, a committee to study the action of the Republicans and to offer a strategy to combat it.” “As has been the case in the past and part of our long tradition, we will offer no action until just after all harm has been done. Buttons, t-shirts and posters have just been released by the RNC to publicize the new show. “They are first rate,” offered Ms. Diamond. “I particularly like the button of Obama going up in black smoke with the logo, Don’t Vote for the Smoke.”