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Dumbest Editorial of the Month Contest Off to a Great Start

My old friend MikeK was not only a firm believer in his right to be anywhere, anytime but also believed that his right to move his mouth to emit sounds was protected by the Constitution.  Where we grew up in the Brownsville/East New York section of Brooklyn, his beliefs guaranteed a short but painful life.  You want an example? When we were in High School, we played a really poor Boy’s High football team away.  We had a great team and the score at the end of the half was like 52-0 and three of their best players had already been carried off.  Boy’s High had the reputation of providing vocational training for prison, so when Mike suggested we stroll over to their side of the field to the only refreshment stand, he got no takers.  Most of us were, frankly, planning our emergency route home—planning to skip out silently some time in the middle of the third quarter.  Surprisingly, a bunch of Boy’s High fans beat the stuffing out of Mike and took his money.  Who knew? 

So what did I take away from this?

Give me that old time...larceny

The Associated Press reports today that Standard and Poor’s will give the United States its lowest credit rating should congress fail to raise the borrowing limit—putting us in the same category as say Albania, Angola and Cameroon.  A calamity?

New Rule for Nobel Prize

King Gustav of Sweden announced today a new rule for the Nobel Peace Prize award.  The Nobel Committee will award the prize only to those dead for at least 50 years.  A formal death certificate will be required.

His Highness, Carl, when asked if the new rule was in response to the actions of the American President, Barack Obama, who despite the peace prize has continued wars in Iraq and Pakghanistan, engaged in a war in Libya, and used drones to bomb targets in Somalia, Yemen and a small country without a name somewhere in Africa or Asia, would only say, “who knew?”

No Poll Tax This Year.

Pennsylvania House Republicans, certain of passing a bill demanding photo id from all voters, conceded today that they would not be able to push through Poll Taxes and literacy tests as part of their new voting rights push.  As you may recall, the photo id law targets the kind of large scale voter fraud that never happens.  A spokesperson for Daryl Metcalfe, the sponsor of the voter id bill, said of a poll tax, “it is certainly worth studying.”  “Poll taxes and various literacy tests were the law of the land in many states not that long ago, and when properly modified could be made to work here as well.”

Personhood and Compassion in the House of Representatives

The Republican Caucus in the House of Representatives took an unprecedented step today in defining personhood for the purpose of legislation.  First class people will be defined as: a. a fetus or b. an individual earning more than $250,000 a year or c. a traditional family of four making more than $400,000 a year.  Those, voting Republican, but not qualifying for personhood will be able to wear a charming, American-made button that says, “Person in Training” in red, white and blue letters.

In an unrelated story, the Republican led House of Representatives voted to slash domestic and international food aid yesterday.  This will cut the Women, Infants, and Children program, which offers food aid and educational support for low income mothers and their children, by nearly a billion dollars.  The international food program, apparently less dependable than drone strikes, would be cut by about a third.

A spokesperson for the Republican Caucus was quick to point out that people will not be affected by the cuts.

Threat Leveling the Marcellus Shale

Smokey and I would like to offer Kudos to our local newspaper, the CDT.

Cousin Myron and the Bombing of East Yehupits.

Stevieslaw: Cousin Myron and the Bombing of East Yehupits.

Myron called me yesterday at two to tell me to turn on the TV.  Myron, as you may recall is a high school dropout and self made millionaire with flaming red hair and a temper to match. 

“What station?” I asked.

“Matters not,” said Myron, “Any news station will do.”

I turned on PBS in time to watch Secretary of Defense, Bob Gates, being raked over the coals by a bipartisan bunch from the Senate for our inaction in East Yehupits. Jim DeMint (R-SC) put it clearly on the line.

“Mr. Gates,” he said, “with active wars in Iraq and Pakghanistan, some sort of war in Libya and now evidence of covert drone strikes in Yemen, my constituents and I want to know why we are not bombing in East Yehupits.”  “Do we not have enemies hidden in East Yehupits, Mr. Gates?”

“I honestly don’t know, Senator,” replied Gates.

“We have enemies all over the globe and we are bombing nearly everywhere Mr. Gates, and you’re saying we can’t find anyone worth bombing in East Yehupits?” “That seems unlikely to me and to my constituents.”


Stevieslaw: What's in a Name?

Stevieslaw: What’s in a Name?<?xml:namespace prefix = o />

Some of you might know that Smokey Diamond, our intrepid reporter, changed his name from one that suggested either the arrival of the storm troopers or, when mispronounced, a feminine hygiene technique.  With bullying one of the few art forms left to Americans, Smokey found growing up was just a little bit harder than it needed to be. Read more »

Confronting Boehner on Libya

House Speaker John Boehner introduced legislation Thursday that would require President Obama to justify our involvement in Libya within 15 days.  We, at Stevieslaw, present a succinct but thorough justification below:

Go Together Like a Horse and Carriage

The proto-fascist-communist-socialist, Bernie Sanders had a huge article in the Views section of our local, liberal rag The Centre Daily Times today.  Bernie is the Senator from Vermont—a Northeastern state very near Canada.  The title of the article was “Deficit reduction requires shared sacrifice,” but what it really espoused was soaking the rich and corporate to “reduce” the burden on the poor and middle class—-who, according to Bernie—are facing the loss of Medicare, education, unions, livelihood and oxygen.  “Red” Sanders suggested three ways in which the rich and corporate might pitch in:

  1. By getting rid of the Bush tax cuts for the very wealthy
  2. By closing corporate loopholes, and
  3. By reducing the budget of the Pentagon—now fighting three unbudgeted wars.

Smokey and I shuddered to read the ideas spelled out by Sanders, but I must report that the more we thought about it, the more they began to make good sense.  What is wrong with taxing the rich and corporate and ending even two wars (it appears that you have to have at least one unfunded war—boys will be boys)?

To find out what we were missing, Smokey Diamond visited Millard Needsmore—spokesperson for Eye of A Needle, Inc.

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