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MItt no More

Stevieslaw: Mitt no More

“You won’t have Mitt to kick around anymore,” opined Smokey Diamond, our ace reporter.  “The word on the street is he is changing his name from Mitt to Franklin Delano Romney.”

We turned on the TV just in time to catch the end of the ceremony on Fair and Balanced.  Franklin Delano Romney waxed eloquently on just what Roosevelt and the New Deal had meant to him when he was growing up in a cold-water flat in Toledo, Ohio.  After, he hugged Bernie Sanders, the left leaning Senator from Vermont, and said Bernie was his “new best bud.”

Paul Ryan, who is apparently still severely conservative would only say, “I will be at the gym.”  “I will be pounding things at the gym--- pounding them bloody, for the next few weeks.”


Tracking the Candidates

Stevieslaw: Tracking the Candidates

Smokey Diamond, our usually unflappable ace reporter, went catatonic after the first debate.  She is recovered and will be closely following the Republican candidates daily, until Election Day, which Republicans in Ohio are now telling everyone is December 7th.

Today, Romney continued his foreign policy blitz by telling a roaring crowd in Miami that, “If only I had been President during the Cuban missile crisis, rather than that weak-kneed John Kennedy, we could have avoided a nuclear war.”

The RNC, reported today at 9 AM, that Paul Ryan had driven a municipal garbage truck through Toledo, Ohio.  Ryan, breakfasting after at the popular “Grits and Chips” restaurant, told a cheering crowd that he was proud to be a Teamster. 

The RNC spokesperson, RU Kidgme, later admitted that it wasn’t a real garbage truck Ryan was not a Teamster, and that, in fact, Ryan was in Sarasota.  When pressed, Kidgme would only say, “It’s pressure time and hard to keep track of every little this and that.”

Herbal Tea

Stevieslaw: Herbal Tea

I hadn’t seen Arnold Slanzky in years.  The last I had heard he was working toward a doctorate in Public Health with a thesis that purported to show that the pets of the top 1% had much better access to health care than did Americans earning less than $50,000 a year.  They had generally better outcomes as well.

I was surprised to see then, as Smokey and I drove through Southern Ohio, Arnie’s picture plastered on billboards every few miles.  It had his portrait---a smiling face on a balding head---with the boldly lettered statement, “Throw off the Yolk of Big Government.”  My old ultra-liberal friend Arnie was apparently running for Congress as a Tea Party Candidate with bad spelling.

We gave him a call and got to meet him for lunch at the local Dennys---his new favorite restaurant.  After we had caught up a bit, I asked him about his candidacy. 

“I was teaching and doing some research at a University,“ he said. Read more »

Stevieslaw: MItt's Motherboard Crisis

Republicans fear that Mitt’s new motherboard, Empathy III, will not arrive from China in time for the convention. As you have no doubt heard, Empathy II fried during the Mitts attempt at a birther joke. Sal Hapatica, Mitt’s chief for computer simulation, agreed that a joke was a huge stretch for the available Mittsoftware.
“Actually, it was the giggle after the joke,” he told Smokey Diamond, our intrepid reporter. “We should have never tried to program the giggle.”
For those of you following the Mittepic, you may recall that Empathy 1 went bad during Mitt’s European trip—that sad business with the Brits and their Olympics.
“We need to have Mitt show great empathy with the American public—particularly with the poor and the middle class he doesn’t really give a damn about, and I fear the Chinese are just not taking this seriously.” “If they are late with the motherboard, we will have to go with Plan B.”
“And what’s Plan B?” asked Smokey.
“In Plan B we go with a silent Mittbot and an empathic ventriloquist, but the camera angles will be a nightmare.”
“It only has to work for an hour,” Sal whined. “just during the acceptance speech.”
“After that the MIttbot can just recite the party line as outlined in the Republican platform.” “That platform is as cold and as dead as Ayn (pave the planet) Rand’s philosophy.” “It’s perfect for a robot.”

Somebody Help Me

Stevieslaw: Somebody Help Me
I woke a week ago Monday to find three representatives from Americans for Prosperity; the superpac formed by the billionaire Koch brothers, in my living room. They had somehow learned that I was a registered independent voter in the swing state of Pennsylvania. “We are nearly neighbors,” they said, hoping I knew so little geography that I wouldn’t recognize that Wisconsin is not next door.
Now, every time I walk into my living room, one of the three gives me a 50 second spiel on why Obama is bad for America. Yesterday, I got the spiel three times while I was shaving in my upstairs bathroom. Now, I have 30 sheets of toilet paper stuck to my face, in an attempt to staunch the bleeding. What’s worse is they are apparently planning to stay until after the November election.
I tried to convince them that it would make more sense to spend 50 million dollars or so bribing people to vote their way. I suggested that they offer a $10 coupon, redeemable at Chik-Fil-A restaurants, for a vote for Romney, but they reminded me that those people are already in their camp.
When I suggest they leave—which I do often, they mumble a few words about corporations, people and first amendment rights.

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